THE HOUSE BY THE ROAD

Seems easier this time. Why would that be? Is it that its all gone? Is it that there is nothing left to give? Don't know what it is but things are not the same. Maybe it's the anger or maybe its the reality of the whole situation. I didn't hold much hope since I have been down this road before. Maybe it's the lost hope or maybe its me just openning my eyes to the reality. They say repetition makes perfection and maybe thats what has happened here. It is like the same thing over and over. Well the path seemed more and more familiar and the scenery never changed. Guess that is what brought out the boredom. I am reminded of my 60 mile drives to work I used to do a while back. The first 15 min was intense with the hussle and bussle of the traffic and people getting to work. After those initial 15 min I would hit the skirts of town and the road would open up. With the country setting a house by the road, a pastured with a creek and the animals grazing the land. I would see people heading out of town to a different destination to get away from it all. I would always wonder if these folks would think the same of me. But I was stuck in the same road down the highway with the same house by the road, the same pasture with the creek running down the middle. The scene was the same day in day out. So routine that at times I would arrive and be terrified by the fact that I had arrived. Where did the time go? Where was the traffic? How did I manage to get there without realizing where I was? Terrifing thoughts of what could have happened where the routine had become so monotonous that it lacked feeling and excitement. Many times I longed to be pulled into a different road and a different scene! Change of the landscape. Keep the life exciting. I tried many times to find a different way and always found myself in a roadblock or back to the point I had started out at. Towards the end of my stint at that job, I realized the inevitable that no matter how hard I tried I was destined to the same road with the house by the road, the pasture, and all those people heading out of town to get away from it all while I was stuck going to work. The only way to change the inevitable was to make a change. The change was made and it was the start of one of my difficult times in my life. Maybe I'm headed down the same road I once traveled. But like then the change had to be made. Seems the road had lost that loving feeling. There's no looking back.

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE

"Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won" (Jet - Look What You've Done)

You had to go an mess up what little was left. The indecissions have come back to haunt you. Was it good? Well, I guess in certain aspects, yes. The last straw was pulled and it turned out to be the short one. The ball never was returned and there is only so many balls to lose. I've taken my loss and leave before I lose more. Cant have be second guessing. Decissions are never easy I understand but decissions have to be made. Risk sometimes are a must. If only life was easy! I don't know what else to do, so the decission was made for itself. If no one steps up to the plate then why is there the need to pitch? I don't know why I didn't see this before. Maybe it was the false hope or just the lack of reality on my part. But again I've cut off the strings and no longer do I get pulled back. Never did I picture this ending. Look what you've done.

ALBERT

NOW IS THE TIME HOLD NO REGRETS

Heard a song yesterday, from a band called Dame Violets, that I can't seem to get out of my head. Its seems to be a local/up and coming band that were having a gig out at one of the places by the lake. They did a radio interview and played a song that has made me think. Dont know the whole words and dont know the name. I hope I don't bring it injustice but to their credit and what every musician strives for the words made me stop and think. In the song, they talked about not wanting to go to bed fighting everynight, not wanting to break up after every fight, not wanting to have to make up after each break-up. What does all that mean? I've been thinking much about it. Guessing that we should never hold back. That we should go for what we want and make it happen. To use up all our energy and give it our all. Don't hold anything back. Hold no regrets! That if we end up giving it all you can, you will be able to walk away not having to second guess yourself. Of course there is no guarantees, there never is, but this way we can truely say we gave it all we could. Given all of this, we wouldn't have to come to this endless circle and we would put the relationship in more of a straight line. A path with a beginning and a horizon instead of the same routine and the same issues and the same outcomes. Make the call, send an email, write a message, write a song, make it happen show the passion! If it is ment to go then the only thing we will see is the horizon but if not we will come to the end of a road and being able to look to the past and see the start and how long we traveled, instead of wondering where it all went or how it happened. Now is the time, hold no Regrets!

PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Forgive me if I'm skeptical, but I been hurt several times. I may seem cold, but I don't know if I can go through it again. My walk has not been easy. Just a few weeks ago when I seemed to spill my guts about the feelings I still had, all I heard were the words "I'm Sorry". What has changed? is part of my questioning. How will it be different? These things are just to make me see and feel before I proceed. Is the ground soft? Will the dirt give way under my feet? Will I fall? That may explain the small steps I take. What is the difference now? So much confusion, so many questions. Questions that we may find so hard to answer, yet we must answer. All the answers come from actions. They tell us what has changed, they show us what they need, and they make us feel what is to come. What is going to happen? I don't know. Is it worth exploring? Yes, but forgive me as I proceed with caution.

SCAR

Was a year ago. So much was going thru my life. I had just returned from a trip that took me through the Highs and Lows and back to the Highs again. Juggling a move to a new city, the end of a job, and the emmotions of a new found love. Amazing how time just seems to slip on by. The new city seems old, the old job is all but forgotten, and the the new found love has run out. Hard at times to look back and ponder especially in this ever changing world. Love, War, Election, Revelations, Break-ups, so much has happened. Was it good? Will the next year bring something different? Will it be more of the same? Looking back, I see and feel some of the emmotions of the previous year. As anyone would say, I enjoyed the Highs! Just wish the High would have been at the end instead of the early part to the Middle. Now Im left still in the Lows. Slowly one can come out of the dark and try to experience that high again. I recall the highs and the joys it brought. The feel of being invinsible, the joys of being wanted, the feel of being needed. But like all things there is a beginning and there is always an end. One never knows what the future holds but one must live it out anyways. They say the first cut is always the deepest. Its hard to feel and see if the bleeding will ever stop? Feels like a scab where it has replaced the cut but yet the little things remove the scab and the blood starts it flowing. But know that the scab starts to get smaller and smaller and the healing begins but like most deep cuts the scab leaves a scar that will always be a reminder of the cut and the high times.

ALBERT

FRIENDSHIP

Back from a weekend away. On this latest trip, I got to visit with some friends. Things have changed for me so much. No longer do I find myself going to a bar and just standing in the corner observing. It seems now that I have broken thru and now actually hang around with some friends while we have a drink, share a laugh and observe and take on the environment. I did used to enjoy my favorite corner but things seem different now in the corner. It seems kinda isolated. Good to venture out and meet and mingle. Although I do like lay low and observe people and see what reactions come out, I am more of a social person and this side seems more enjoyable. True this may not be at my hometown but in someways seems like I am at my hometown. Weird but I dont have the same in the town I actually live. Well no problems there, that will soon change as well. I spent 11 months in a town without having many friends and I go to a city 180 miles away and have more friends there than the actual city I live in? Weirder is I never lived in that city. I talked about how the fact that the city has a different atmosphere and a different vibe. What is it that brings out the friendliness? How is it that one city can be so different than another? The funny thing is that I always refered to this city as not being a part of Texas. (http://www.guestlife.com/houston/) Well none the less my life has changed and seems like I keep looking forward to the next get-away! I owe it all to two great friends who have openly welcomed me into their circle and given me the honor of their friendship!